I should be pleased, but…

…but I never am.

The Islamic Horizons issue with my article about gun violence is out.  I tried out a more narrative-y lede and I thought it was okay when I wrote it, but as usual when I read my published work I feel like such a hack. I shouldn’t have read it, I suppose – as I discussed previously I hate reading my own writing, at least once it’s published. I actually didn’t read farther than the lede because I couldn’t stand to feel even worse.  I saw an actress interviewed recently (see video clip below; scroll to 1:12 to see the inside of my mind) who said she hates to watch her own performances and has actually only seen her latest film one time.

Time, motivation and a notepad

19195848_mThe spring semester is over, and I finished, as they say, not with a bang but with a whimper.  I carried over much of my confusion from the first semester and while some things were clarified, other things grew murky in my mind and I’m glad to have it behind me.  I’m taking an elective, Research and Reporting, this summer with Laura Wexler, and that semester starts tomorrow.

And starting tomorrow I am going to, God willing, spend every day writing.  I have been diddling around too long, holding myself back with self-doubt, laziness, procrastination, etc.  I have to be grateful for what I have and take advantage of it.  Last Friday I put a(nother) sign over my desk that says:

MAY 2, 2013

TODAY IS THE LAST DAY

OF ALL THAT BULLSHIT!

I’ve said things to that effect many times over the last year and a half, but the more my mind opens and my heart softens, the closer I get to really living the life I can and want to.

I went to the SPJ region 8 conference this weekend and was surprised to hear so many presenters talk about following their passions.  I didn’t know people still did that anymore, or even tried.  It gave me a boost.  They all talked about hard work, too.  Point taken.  One moderator of a panel I attended said she always kept a file in her desk drawer labeled “NEXT.”

Starting today, God willing, I am going to write every single day, purposefully and well.  I’m returning to The Straight Path blog and I have plenty of Goucher work to clean up and move forward with.

I’m keeping a notepad next to my computer and jotting down every writing idea I have.  I have the time to write.  I can maintain the motivation.  I just have to do it.